Redbelt, Bad Movie Titles

Above: David Mamet (the white guy.) Alice Braga (the hot Braziliana.) Chiwetel Ejiofor (the black badass.)


I watched a really good movie last night, the David Mamet directed MMA Film
(That's Mixed Martial Arts and Mamet) Red Belt. It starred Chiwetel Ejiofor, who
I really like in just about anything, but he kicked ass in this movie, and good supporting parts
from Tim Allen and Randy Couture. Usual supporting actors Rebecca Pidgeon,
David Paymer, and Ricky Jay. The beautiful Emily Mortimer has a supporting
role as well. It's great because it's everything you like about a David Mamet film and lots
of things that you don't expect. It's got a twist, it's got a con scheme, it's got witty, rhythmic banter,
and it's got fighting! Realistic, slick fight scenes that are great to watch and very inspiring. Did I mention
Brazilian actress Alica Braga? (Pictured) Whoa!


So, I watched a brilliant movie, like Red Belt, and I also
visited and subscribed to the excellent badmovies.org and weaved
through the different threads about Gymkata and The Apple, two of the best worst films ever made.


They have an interesting list on their site, which I'll share with you below.


HOW TO FIND A BAD MOVIE

You are all pumped and ready to go find some films - stuff which will torture your friends. How do you pick out a bad movie? Here is a quick reference guide to help you select the right one.

THE TITLE
Is one word. 1 point(s)
I think it is a word somebody made up. 2 point(s)
It is six or more words. 3 point(s)
Wow; eight to twelve words! 4 point(s)
Hold on while I count...thirteen or more words.* 5 point(s) * Note:
Are you sure that's the title?


THE TITLE (CONTINUED)
Contains the words "alien" or "monster." 1 point(s)
Contains the words "kung fu" or "bikini." 2 point(s)
Contains the words "creature" or "nightmare." 3 point(s)
Contains the words "blood" or "death." 4 point(s)
Contains the words "zombie" or "massacre." 5 point(s)


THE COVER
Just looks silly. 1 point(s)
A hologram! (Actually, a lenticular image.) 2 point(s)
Features artwork of the creature roaring as people flee in terror. 3 point(s)
Appears to have been drawn by a D&D fantatic. 4 point(s)
Must have been made with Photoshop. 5 point(s)


THE BACK
Contains a few random pictures. 1 point(s)
Some of the screenshots feature bad special effects or just a girl screaming at the camera. 2 point(s)
There are not any scenes from the movie! 3 point(s)
Did somebody draw this with a pen? 4 point(s)
I think these pictures are from another film.* 5 point(s) * Note:
You should go and find that movie.


THE DESCRIPTION
Compares it to another movie. 1 point(s) "Four times faster than sound, the bird is bigger than a battleship and surrounded by an invisible radar-resistant shield which repels existing destructive devices."


The Giant Claw
"Based on the novel by..." 2 point(s)
Includes more adjectives than nouns or verbs. 3 point(s)
Says that is a Sci-Fi Channel original production. 4 point(s)
Uses the following: "blood-chilling," "terrifying," "unstoppable," "flesh-eating," or similar adjectives. 5 point(s)


THE PLOT CONTAINS
Robots, androids, or computers. 1 point(s) "The Being, a genetic freak driven psychotic by radiation waste, mutilates and decapitates."


The Being
A monster or alien of some sort. 2 point(s)
The undead. 3 point(s)
A mutant created by radiation, toxic waste, or human experimentation. 4 point(s)
It doesn't say what the plot is; it just keeps threatening to scare the pants off of me. 5 point(s)


THE MAIN ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
They are famous now, but do not list this on their filmography. 1 point(s)
This is their only movie appearance. 2 point(s)
Also credited as the director, producer, and/or writer. 3 point(s)
Appear to have been edited in via old footage. 4 point(s)
Used to be a professional wrestler. 5 point(s)


THE DIRECTOR OR PRODUCER
Made one movie; this one. 1 point(s)
Peter Jackson or Sam Raimi. 2 point(s)
Herschell Gordon Lewis or Roger Corman. 3 point(s)
Llyod Kaufman or Fred Olen Ray. 4 point(s)
Ed Wood. 5 point(s)


WHERE WAS THE FILM MADE
I am sure that it was not made in Hollywood. 1 point(s) "When the earth spits out the dead, they will rise to suck the blood of the living!"


Zombi 2 (Italy, 1979)
New York, before 1990. 2 point(s)
In somebody's back yard. 3 point(s)
Italy, after 1970. 4 point(s)
Mexico, before 1970. 5 point(s)


"Contains the words "kung fu" or "bikini." 2 point(s)"
Yes, you say...Kung Fu Girls Club has one of the dreaded titles in there.
And we used Photoshop to make the cover.


For all of our friends in the US, have a safe Labor Day, and keep watching bad movies.